By Tracy Laverick
I want a way that works! Do something different in 5 easy steps.
Parents often come to me when they are at the end of their tether. They have got into a negative cycle with their kids. There is often a lot of shouting, there may be restraint and violence. Or it is that the parents feels poles away from their kids and want to get closer. It is at this point that the parents are willing to do something different.
We aim for control rather than collaboration
Some kids, are generally amenable and get on well with their parents, personalities blend. For most of us parenting can be a challenge. Trying to get out of the house on time, bedtimes, stopping siblings from fighting or getting homework done all lead to tension. This tension then leads to frayed tempers. We get in to a pattern of behaviour without noticing. We aim for control rather than collaboration.
We wouldn’t have done that in my day!
I often hear, “I wouldn’t have said/done that to my parents”. This is often because they might have been hit or were in fear of their parents. There is a large body of research that can clearly evidence the negative impact of hitting others or controlling by fear. Also this fear does not give a young person the protective factors that they need entering adult life. They are more likely to engage in highly risk taking behaviours as young adults.
So, what does different look like?
- Play with your kids. Get down in the floor and follow their lead. (Don’t direct their play!). If you find this challenging put the timer on and do it for 10 minutes. For older kids join them in watching their favourite tv programme or learn to play their computer game.
- Follow the laughter. Notice what makes them laugh and add this in to your day. Try not to tickle but sometimes chasing them to say you are going to tickle them is enough to really get them laughing. With older children watch things that make them laugh! Cats doing funny things, you trying do a handstand!
- Set limits closely and kindly. If you see a child going off track intervene early. Get close to them and say ‘no, we can’t do that’ calmly. Repeat if needed. If they start to get angry/upset you stay calm and move on to 4.
- Stay with them and listen to their anger or tears. Comfort them ‘I can see your having a really bad day’. Reassure them that you love them. Don’t ask questions, don’t try and fix anything when they are talking. Just listen.
- Doing 1-4 is really hard work. Keeping calm and listening to children. Thinking of things to play and engaging when all you really want to do is sit down after a long day! Talking to someone can help you to offload all of those feelings. Set up a listening partnership on the phone or in person. They listen and don’t offer advice. You will feel energised for the next day to enjoy being a parent.
All of the above can make an amazing difference to your family. Siblings will be able to get along better, you can leave the house with people laughing rather than shouting. Children sleep better as they have offloaded their tensions and homework can be completed.
#Parenting Tips