A heartfelt letter from a working mother to her husband.
Dear Husband
As I sit here watching you coo over our 7 week old second child, I realise my mind is currently a washing machine on fast spin. A bundle of different emotions, thoughts and ideas all rushing around uncontrollably at the same time.
I want to scream out to you; I want to scream out every little thing that is going on in my head but somehow the words won’t come out; I think mainly because I just don’t know how to put them into words. That sounds strange – how can you think something but not be able to say it? There is however, one word that encapsulates all those thoughts – guilt, not just one piece of guilt, but many; each one battling the other to take the top spot, when all I really want to do is bury them all.
I am currently on maternity leave but that does not mean work stops – it carries on, in my head. My job has defined me for the last 10 years, being both stressful and enjoyable at the same time. Being on maternity leave brings its own guilt and worry. I should be at work providing for my family, supporting my colleagues who I worry will forget me and what I do. Will someone else come along and take over my role? What about all those tasks I didn’t quite finish? Just because I am not physically there doesn’t mean mentally I am able to sweep it all under the carpet, I find it impossible just to forget what was such a huge part of my life, of me. How can I when I know I will have to be back there and pick it all up again in 6 months. This I feel guilty for – I am sorry for thinking about work when I should be focussing on our 2 amazing, beautiful girls.
We were a perfectly happy family of 3 with a little girl who was happy and content. We were in a lovely routine where we all felt valued. I know having a new baby has changed all that; it has completely changed the dynamics and the one person this has affected the most has been our eldest. She says and does all the right things but deep down I can see that she is battling with her own thoughts – her whole world has turned upside down and we have done that to her. Have I damaged her? Will she be grateful or resentful as she grows up? All these thoughts make me want to sweep her up in my arms, promise her that I am all hers and that everything will be ok. This I feel guilty for – I am so sorry for bringing another little person into your world and changing it forever.
When my eldest was born, we lavished her with attention. I looked her in the eyes constantly, cooed over her at every opportunity and interacted with her in so many ways. I am not able to do this with my new little girl, my time is split between both of them, you, a dog (another new addition), the house and anything else that crops up in between. I carry her round with me as I cook dinner; I use sleep times as opportunities to wash up rather than enjoy that peaceful time with her in my arms; I feed her whilst singing and playing with my eldest. I never get time when it is just the 2 of us, where I can give her 100% undivided me. This I feel guilty for – I am so sorry you don’t get all of me, all of the time as your sister did when she was tiny.
A marriage is never all plain sailing, and a new baby in the mix can take its toll. I am tired, confused and distracted all of the time. I am conscious of my body, no part of it resembling what it once was. I know I am moody and snappy and I know I don’t give you enough hugs. Deep, deep down that woman you married is still there she just got buried beneath nappies, feeds, ballet lessons, play dates, uniforms and housework – mountains of housework. I want to be perfect at everything – perfect mother to both our children, perfect at my job, perfect housewife with an immaculate home you can be proud of and the perfect wife that looks good for you and makes you feel good. I beat myself up on a daily basis for not being any of these things and unfortunately the one person I want to be perfect for bears the brunt of my disappointment at not being perfect. For this I feel guilty – I am sorry for my lack of communication, sorry for the chaos, sorry for being so distracted all the time, sorry for the crazy emotions but please bear with me because the one thing that makes this all ok is the overwhelming amount of love, and that wins the battle in my brain every time.
Always,
Your (tired) wife