Stop Being a ‘Good Girl’! How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Chasing Approval

Stop Being a ‘Good Girl’! How to Teach Your Kids to Stop Chasing Approval

The moment I realised I was passing on my “good girl” conditioning to my children was late one night when I found my daughter hunched over her desk past midnight, exhausted but still perfecting a homework assignment that was already excellent. She was determined to push through fatigue in pursuit of perfection… and I couldn’t help but see in that my own lifelong pattern of choosing others’ approval over my own wellbeing.

As a mother of three who spent decades building the “right” kind of life – prestigious degrees, a successful career, a picture-perfect family – I understand intimately how the need for approval can shape our choices. More importantly, as a reinvention coach working with accomplished women, I’ve witnessed how this conditioning begins in childhood and can take years to unravel.

But here’s what gives me hope: We can break this cycle. We can raise children who trust their inner compass more than external validation. Here’s how to begin:

Notice Your Own Patterns.

Before we can guide our children, we need to recognise our own approval-seeking behaviours. Do you apologise for taking time for yourself? Do you sacrifice your own projects or aspirations in the name of being a “good mother?” Do you say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? Our children learn more from watching us than from anything we say. When I began saying ‘no’ to family tasks I previously would have taken on without questioning, my children witnessed something powerful: their mother setting clear boundaries around her work time – and prioritising her own fulfilment over external expectations.

Change the Language of Praise.

Instead of “good girl” or “good boy,” try celebrating specific actions and efforts. Rather than “You’re so smart!” try “You worked really hard to solve that problem (or achieve that goal).” This shift illustrates what psychologists call a growth mindset – the understanding that abilities can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence. When my daughter now says “Is this good enough?” I ask her, “What do you think? Are you satisfied with your work?”

Create Space for Mistakes.

As parents operating in a culture that’s achievement-oriented, it’s tempting to want to facilitate and ‘smooth’ our children’s path to success. But learning to handle disappointment and failure is essential to building resilience and self-trust. A child psychologist once shared a powerful practice with me: establish a “failure day” in your family – a time when everyone tries something new or challenging that they want to learn, knowing they’ll likely fail at first. It’s a beautiful way to normalise imperfection and redefine failure as a natural part of growth (and a powerful antidote to perfectionistic tendencies!). When my children watched me leave my established career as a policy analyst to become a coach, they learnt that it’s okay to start over as a beginner; to choose something new and uncertain, but exciting because it’s your heart’s calling.

Validate Feelings, Not Just Achievements.

When children feel their emotions are acceptable – even the messy ones – they learn to trust their internal experience. Instead of “Don’t be angry” or “You shouldn’t feel sad,” try “I see you’re feeling frustrated. Would you like to talk about it?” This helps them develop emotional intelligence and self-awareness.

Encourage Healthy Boundaries.

Teaching children they can say ‘no’ while still being loved is crucial. My upbringing was the exact opposite of that – the focus was on pleasing others and prioritising their needs over mine. You can start small: “You don’t have to hug someone if you don’t want to,” or “It’s okay to tell your friend you need alone time.” These early lessons in boundary-setting can serve as the foundation for stronger self-trust later.

Model Living Authentically.

Above all, let your children see you living in alignment with your values rather than others’ expectations. When I transitioned from my secure policy career to becoming a coach, my children saw me choosing purpose and authenticity over approval and security. It helps to share your thought process: “I know some people think this change is risky, but it aligns with what matters most to me.” This shows them how to connect with their inner wisdom and trust their path. When your children see you showing up authentically and pursuing what you truly love, it gives them permission to do the same. It sets them free from the cage of “what’s right” and inspires them to write their own stories.

Breaking free from approval-seeking isn’t about becoming rebellious or dismissing others’ input entirely. It’s about teaching our children – and ourselves – to build a healthy relationship with external feedback while staying connected to their inner wisdom.