As part of our open letter series, one of our readers tells us her journey as a new working mum at 21.
To MMB
I have worked in a set of Barristers Chambers as an Office Junior from the age of 16. Two years later I was promoted to Barristers Clerk.
At the young age of 21, I discovered that I was going to become a young mum. I feel guilty now as I look back at what should have been a very ‘happy moment’ in my life, but I was absolutely terrified and to tell you the truth I didn’t feel ready. Luckily, I was in a stable relationship and owned my own house.
I was worried that people at work would judge me because it wasn’t a planned pregnancy and I was one of the youngest employees. I was so conscious of being a young mum that I asked my sister, a hairdresser, to give me a ‘mum cut’. I also wore new ‘mumsy’ clothes to look older.
During my pregnancy, I worked as hard as I could not to let people down because I felt that I had to prove I could do it all. I suffered severely from ‘morning sickness’ but I never took any time off work. I would occasionally be sick in the bathroom at work and frequently in the bin under my desk if I knew I couldn’t make it!
The first few weeks after giving birth to Santiago, my son, were the hardest. Being at home with a newborn baby was very isolating. I spent long hours on social media to keep updated with friends. I cried every day, sometimes for no reason at all. It felt like we were forgotten about and I started to make excuses not to leave the house.
Turns out, the thing I needed the most was just someone to talk to; another adult and preferably a stranger. Talking therapy helped a lot.
When Santiago was around 7 weeks old, we visited our local Morrisons store one weekend to do our shopping. Santiago had become distressed and was screaming so I decided to breastfeed him in the café whilst Diego (my partner) filled the trolley.
I walked into the back of the café and took a seat on the comfy chairs. I took off my jacket, covered by boobs from public sight and began breastfeeding. Suddenly, I heard a lady mutter something but I couldn’t work out what it was. I asked her what she had said and she shouted, ‘I said that’s disgusting, there are men in here!’ I was furious and I stood up and spoke loudly enough for the whole café to hear, ‘You are disgusting for saying that! My breasts are for feeding my baby and not for the men in here.’ I told her she should be ashamed of herself and if she had any children at all, then she would understand what I was doing was purely natural and nothing else. I was so disappointed and saddened by this incident. However, it did not stop me from breastfeeding in public again. In fact, it gave me more confidence to do what was only right and natural.
I’m still not sure how I will be able to fully focus when I return to work as I am up 2-3 times a night with Santiago. But I am anxious to return to work and I can’t wait to be ‘back to normal’. At work I can be myself, talk to people in the office, have a laugh or two and be sociable. All the things I have missed the most!
Send your letter in to info@mmbmagazine.co.uk, all letters are posted anonymously.