So my first official blog since launching MMB Magazine over a year ago, it’s all been a little busy. I wanted to write about something that I feel I have started to conquer in the last few months; it’s not a battle I have won, but it’s one I think is currently at a draw! It’s about putting your hand up.
Putting Your Hand Up And Why You Should
I still remember working my first PA role at York University, which I was horrific at, by the way! I was told the password was autumn for my system. A cold sweat came over me as I quickly tried to type as many combinations of the word I could think of to get into the system. I could feel the eyes of my colleague light up in the knowledge I was showing myself up. She was ready to take me down for that extra £1.50 per hour role, a role that she had also applied for.
I had only started the job half an hour ago, and I was already failing. I knew the eye roll of my new manager was coming; for god sake, why had I taken a job in an academic environment with the elite, where I would stick out like a sore thumb! I held back the tears and felt ashamed as I raised my head to say it’s not working. Only for her fingers to then glide over my keyboard, press enter and the system to kick in. Then those words I dreaded to hear, how on earth do you think you spell autumn? I was 24, nervous in my first PA role and under the constant fear of being found out for being incapable, let alone being called stupid. I wasn’t stupid or incompetent; I was dyslexic, but I felt stupid.
The Feeling Hasn’t changed at 38
During the next 14 years, I was reminded of that feeling all too often and held myself back more than putting myself forward and putting my hand up when opportunities came up. That feeling of not feeling good enough is tough to leave behind with the 24yr old PA at that desk, even now at 38yrs old, with achievements under my belt. And it’s one of the reasons I love to champion those who conquer their fear or at least push that feeling away long enough to say yes. I feel so passionately about women achieving and feeling confident and putting their hands up in business and life regardless of what your inner voice may be saying or what insecurity makes you stand back when you should be running forward.
We seem always to tell ourselves as women; there is someone better equipped, better placed, better suited. You see the slogans all over Instagram telling you to seize the day, say yes, in their beautifully creative layouts looking all appealing and powerful. But in reality, sometimes your doubt and insecurities have set in before you even click the like button on that Instagram post, and you have rewritten the quote of the day to read; maybe next time, I will say yes.
No matter who you are, at some point, you are going to feel out your depth, but if you’re not feeling out your depth, how are you pushing forward and living life? How do you know what you are capable of and who you will meet to champion you along the way? What signal are you sending to yourself and your children? I am determined to put my hand up now for my little boy, to let him see that he is worth every opportunity he needs to take them. And when I start to waiver, I remember the infamous Instagram quote.
“What if I Fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”.
Oops, I did it again!
A few weeks ago I attended a dinner with speakers at a very well-known firm in Leeds. I was on a high as I had just secured some new clients, got ready to launch a huge event and had a TV slot booked to champion the Leeds Women’s Christmas refuge appeal. Upon arrival, I did my best to network and chat, you know, the type of events where you’re not sure walking up to people to say hello, will leave you with a warm welcome or standing there feeling like a dorky kid who just tried to fit in!
By the time I had sat in my chair, I had wished the ground would swallow me up. On two occasions, I wasn’t asked my name but what I did. The first, I got partway through saying recruitment and running an online ……. when a very un-enthusiastic grunt interrupted me, and they proceeded to turn round to talk to the person on the right. I stared at my plate. That voice inside started to get louder; you don’t belong here; what were you thinking? You’re playing at this, and they see it! The following person got past my name and occupation only to say, “Oh, thank god you’re not just recruitment; I didn’t think we would invite those here! To top the night off, I was asked a question by an incredibly intelligent and informed ex-journalist, which to this day, I still don’t understand the question over Brexit, but I do know she used the question to make me squirm and not out of kindness. And if I didn’t understand the question, you can guarantee me using an example of Facebook to answer it didn’t exactly have me impressing current affairs.
But I survived
I learnt that maybe I need to brush up a little on current affairs, which is no bad thing, but also, some people are always going to try to show you up to make themselves seem brighter. And that says more about them than it does about you. I also learnt it’s ok not to excel at every event or meeting, some you will do great in, and others may leave you a bit bruised. But it’s the being there and doing it that opens the doors and offers you opportunities.
So my not so shiny Instagram quote of the day would be a little more like this, “Presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTF’s a minute”. And yes, I still struggle to spell autumn and often feel like I don’t fit and worry about saying something stupid, but then my arm starts to ache, and I remember it’s ok as I am already putting my hand up for the next opportunity.
#Putting your hand up