Family breakdown is hard. Whether it was your decision or the other party’s decision there will be difficult times.
You may be hurting. You may feel really guilty. Your gut feeling maybe that you never want to see your ex-partner again. If they have hurt you, you may want to hurt them back so that they know how you feel and experience some pain.
These feelings are normal. However, it is important to keep feelings in check.
Why is this important?
Your children need you, and they need the other parent. They didn’t choose this. It isn’t their fault. For them it is really important to try to keep things on a level and not let anger, hurt and upset get too out of control.
All the research shows that family breakdown doesn’t damage children per se. What damages children is when separation is handled badly by parents.
Sometimes there are safety reasons as to why children should not be with one parent. If there are serious concerns, then it is important that you seek specialist legal advice as to the correct process to follow.
In the absence of circumstances where you genuinely worry about the safety of your children, then your children need to spend time with both of. Your children are part of you and part of their other parent. They love you both and in all honestly will undoubtedly just want you to try to get along.
Sorting arrangements out following separation however can be very difficult and extremely painful. It is easy to slip into toxic communication or a war by message/email.
What can help?
Family mediation is a process which can help you to focus upon your children and agree arrangements with the help of a specially trained family mediator. Through attending sessions with a family mediator you can negotiate a parenting plan to include arrangements for your children to spend time with each of you during school terms and school holiday periods. There may be other issues you need to discuss such as the choice of schools for your children, communication issues and agreed parenting goals.
If your children are over the age of 8 then accredited and experienced family mediators can speak to your children in a confidential and safe setting as part of the process. This process is called Child Inclusive Mediation.
Child Inclusive Mediation is a process through which your children can have a voice in a sensitive and managed way and in a way which does not expose them to Court proceedings. The emphasis is very much on listening to children’s concerns and allowing them to speak openly and then the Child Inclusive Mediator will agree what is fed back to you as parents. As parents then you decide upon how to hopefully make things better and move forward in your different family structure. Your children are involved. You as parents make the decisions. The mediator facilitates the process and helps you to consider creative solutions.
Your children are important and as such it is important that issues regarding their care are resolved through accessing specialist advice and assistance where needed. I am an accredited family mediator, a highly experienced Child Inclusive Mediator and an experienced family solicitor. We can provide family legal services or family mediation services to suit your family’s needs. For more information, please contact us on enquiries@clarkfamilylaw.co.uk or 01423 637272.
#HOW NOT TO SCREW UP YOUR KIDS IN THE SEPARATION PROCESS.