By Mary-Ellen Krause
As a child, my father used to say that if you can count on one hand the number of true friends that you have, then you are amongst the lucky ones. An adage that I have contemplated over the years.
Is there a greater feeling than laughter and time spent with friends? It leaves us lighter and lifted, beloved and inspired.
Birth writer and activist Sheila Kitzinger comments upon the needs of community.
“In most societies, birth has been an experience in which women draw together- to reinforce bonds”
But birth can lead to feelings of isolation for some women and with increased medicalised births, there is more than ever, a strong need for face-to-face support post-natally.
Do communities rally round after a birth? I doubt it. It’s more a case that we have to seek out our own support networks and build our own ‘village’.
The charity 4Children commissioned a large survey looking at post natal depression in mothers and found that practical support from family, friends and local support groups made a significant impact on wellbeing and health. More of this should be encouraged. Not expensive classes for newborns but post natal groups that offer opportunity for colloquy and advice. The best class I go to each week has around ten women in it, a few toys on some old mats, housed in a sweltering clinic room and costs £1. It’s not about the room, but the contact with others.
Motherhood is the most joyous experience but there are difficult times and during those trying moments, we need the shoulders of others.
“Social support can be hugely beneficial to a parent’s emotional well-being in the postnatal period so don’t be afraid to ask for or accept help” NCT
We shouldn’t have to mother alone.
It is fascinating how the patchwork quilt of friendship comes in varying shapes and colours. The friends who we wish we could see more, the laughing all night friends, the inside and out friends, the friends that we admire and the ones that we support. Or, if we are lucky enough to forge relationships akin to those of sisterhood, those are the most precious and to be forever cosseted. And around the frayed edges, are those faces whom we do not see but wish we still could.
I always knew that friendships were important, numinous even. In my early twenties I had a handful of best friends and felt privileged. I didn’t see making new friends as an agenda. I was happy with my lot I suppose. Felt fulfilled and loved. I never gave thought to new ones or the need to increase my happy circles.
Perhaps until I was carrying my first child.
Pregnancy can feel isolating. I didn’t have anyone around me who was at that exact stage in life. Everyone seemed foot loose and fancy free or long past the newborn stage. There was no in between. It was either nappies or Prosecco. I’d just bid farewell to a sociable and vibrant life and walked into a whole new and unfamiliar wilderness. I couldn’t go out for drinks at the drop of a hat, I couldn’t travel great distances with a little one in tow and my party shoes were temporarily placed in their little black box.
I was ready for children and excited for the new stage, I felt no sense of regret or envy but at times I felt myself thinking about other new mothers and how I might meet like minded women, to accompany me on this new path.
It’s hard when your current friends ask you to dinner and you might be bound by routine, still breastfeeding or just exhausted. You don’t wish to decline kind invitations but it’s laborious always saying “Sorry, I’ll be there next time”. Next time being too far in the distance, despite every part of you wanting to join them.
So, I made the decision to take NCT classes with my husband. I’d heard that it is a good way to learn and mix with others. They were right.
The opportunity to sit each week with a group of women and men who are facing the exact same life changes as you is a gift. You learn and converse- gaining in confidence and knowledge. They too often have careers, existing friends and fulfilling lives but they are also looking for someone to share new motherhood with. We didn’t NEED friends, but we somehow needed each other.
Fast forward to a couple of months from that very first NCT meeting and three of the group had delivered their precious children. On a warm spring day, we congregated for coffee. As I saw my new friends arrive with car seats, paraphernalia and relaxed smiles, I was overawed at their sense of togetherness. As I sat in full bloom and overdue intrigue.
There is something about shared motherhood, a genuine sense of togetherness. I often found that whilst pregnant, I would walk past another expectant mother on the street and we’d both smile. Linking momentarily or contacting on some level. The world needs more of this developing sisterhood- less of this shaming and bemoaning. Instead, more praise and support. It would make this game a whole lot easier. I know that there has been a deluge of ‘honesty’ blogs about motherhood circulating like black crows on the Internet. But I enjoy looking for the ones that leave us feeling uplifted, that elevate our jobs as mothers, sisters, wives and friends. Let’s drop the defensive and get back to caring.
These new found friends inspired me from that day and I learnt a lot from them. Each of us a didactic guide, making sense of the questions of motherhood. I can honestly say that we became each other’s teachers, without the formality or know- it -all jargon. Our parenting styles all different but enriching to genuinely learn from each other. I admired one friend’s incredible togetherness that I never had, another’s sense of humour. There is something refreshing about honesty and a genuine lack of pretence between women. I never felt competitive in a competitive world. They didn’t care what my child was doing or not doing. It could be said that this solidarity contributed to the healthy minds of five new mothers. Comparisons and judgements are tiresome, I’d rather spend an hour playing with these incredible children than assessing their development.
One particularly damp and cold day, the following winter. I had the pleasure of caring for a teething, dribbling and moaning baby, who was sat despondently upon my knee. I was set to spend the day with my newly acquainted friends. I started to type a message of excuse. To decline my attendance, to slumber in my comfies and defy the outside world. It was friendship that made me go. Slathering on the war-paint and off I went. Unsurprisingly, the miserable baby was not miserable at all. He laughed and beamed along with the others. He was of course a mirror- to me.
0-1 to friends.
Those weekly lunches became wonderful hours of fresh air, honestly and comradery. I often think about how these friends shaped my experience post natally and I believe that they contributed to my content mind, enjoyment and relaxed parenting style.
Since meeting almost four years ago, our circle has met a series of life changing situations. Impacting each mother in untold ways. From; bereavement, illness, complications, relocation and miscarriage. These bullets of pain ricocheting into our lives and temporarily turning them upside down. Yet, we have remained there for each other and fiercely loyal. It seems that sharing those early years of motherhood can forge bonds that are unyielding.
History is repeating itself as I am on maternity leave once more. Feasting on the tapestry of the sisterhood each week, learning from these inspiring armies of women. From a knowing hello to a lady in playgroup or a cup of tea and a generous side of non-baby related conversation. But they are not quite as special as those girls who I went through it with the first time.
I can’t help but feel that as I carefully make new friends and acquaintances, I become that little bit nicer too. They must rub off on me, imprint their differences on my stubborn side. The benefits of the sisterhood are illimitable. I’m aware of how I can become a better mum by absorbing the brilliance around me. Even a spontaneous child free moment with a friend makes me a better mother. I come back refreshed and more patient. Able to really appreciate being a mother.
We have a lot to thank our friends for don’t we? The family that we choose for ourselves.
Life is different now. The sisterhood is varied and I like that. It’s like a jigsaw of women. Some without children, some expecting, others flying through to the other side, their dancing shoes are re-heeled and alive. Each friend brings with them a sense of individual stoicism and for each one, I am grateful.
It is perhaps getting out of the house that can be the hardest, when we are ladened with the heavy weight of new motherhood and exhausted. It can seem easier to stay at home. But the feeling of sharing our lives with friends cannot be measured. It truly lightens the spirit.
Here’s to Sisterhood.