This week is Family Mediation Week in the UK and at least half of all referrals to family mediation involve parents trying to work out arrangements for their children.
Why listen to Children?
Children live through parental conflict, they listen, they hear and they are often exposed to the raw conflict between their parents. As a Child Inclusive Mediator of many years children have frequently expressed to me how lost they feel and how alone they feel and how responsible they feel for one or both parents.
Separation is difficult enough for parents who have had years of experience of navigating adult emotions. For children it can be a terrifying process. Children worry just the same as grown ups do but grown-ups have the power to make things different. Children are important members of the family and therefore should have a voice in an age appropriate way.
It is difficult for parents sometimes to understand things from a child’s perspective particularly when parents are functioning in an adrenaline fuelled state trying to navigate what to do for the best. Family Mediation is a process which can help parents to work out arrangements for children in a practical, future focused and cost effective way. The process involves the parents engaging in a number of sessions either face to face or on-line with an accredited family mediator and together the parties work out how to move forward for the benefit of the family.
For children aged 8 and over specially trained family mediators, such as myself, can speak to children to find out what their hopes, concerns, fears and worries are and what they think about proposed arrangements. The conversation the mediator has is a safe space conversation. This means that whatever the child says to the mediator stays confidential (save for any safeguarding concerns) and is only discussed at a further session with the parents with the child’s consent.
Parents can engage in the family mediation process either prior to or within Court proceedings. With CAFCASS working to an emergency protocol in parts of the UK resources are seriously stretched and are being directed, quite properly, to cases involving serious safeguarding concerns. Children’s voices therefore in what would traditionally have been heard via Wishes and Feelings reports are often not being heard.
Through the process of Child Inclusive Mediation however children’s voices can be heard. This process is fundamentally different to the Court process and the involvement of CAFCASS. One major difference is that what a child says to CAFCASS is reported back to the Court. In mediation the discussions remain confidential. Preparatory work is undertaken with both parents to ensure that parents are focused upon and prepared to listen to their child/ren.
The mediator’s role is to assist parents to shift their thinking and positions around conflict with the other parent to focusing upon a shared interest – their children. Allowing a child/young person’s voice to be heard is not only hugely empowering for the child but encourages parents to move forward and make arrangements in a family focused way. The responsibility of the parents is to listen and take on board their children’s views. As mediators it is our job to do our best to facilitate that…….
For more information on the process of Child Inclusive Mediation please contact me on Sally@barnesclarkfamily.law or 01423 637272.